Sunday, September 30, 2012

You're meant to do what you love, aren't you??

I know we are meant to do things that make us happy, and surround ourselves with people who bring joy to our lives, but sometimes we can get so stuck in the everyday and mundane, that all that goes to the wayside, and we just end up existing.

I often feel as if I am just existing. I get myself stuck in holes, in ruts, that I struggle to get out of.

Lately, I haven't felt so much that I am in a hole, and if I do fall in, I can get out. I've been feeling pretty good about me and my life for a little while, but I still feel as if things are missing.

I popped over to Sonia's blog the other day, and she's participating in a Blog Hop based on the topic of "time". Oh my, how I could write about that at the moment. I'm not going to go into detail, but basically I have trying to get myself into some sort of routine to just fit everything in, and keep myself sane. I mean trying to manage the kids and their stuff, the cleaning and organising of the house and then trying to find time for me (Cal has to fit somewhere in there too). I have no idea how working mums do it!!!

I am on my way though. I participated in The Organised Housewife's 20 day challenge, and that gave me a bit of a kick start and got me to change my thinking about a few things in relation to cleaning and tidying. And I have got myself a basic routine to follow for the week to allow me to get a couple of hours a day (not in the night once everyone has gone to bed) to spend on me. We'll see if it works.

My plan is to start properly tomorrow. October 1 is my D-day. There is a whole LIST of things that I would like to do just for me. Like sewing, painting, exploring my photography, exercising, writing, creating. I am going to MAKE time to do the things that make me happy.
October is IT!

In there was writing. Now I'm no novelist, but I do enjoy tapping away at the keyboard here. I just don't do it that often, and because I don't do it that often, I'm not very good at it. I would love my writing to be better, and I would love to Blog more often. So I have joined the Blogtoberfest 2012 challenge to Blog every day in October.

They say that it takes 21 days to form a habit, hopefully by the end of 30 I will be into more of a Blogging routine as well as doing more of what I love. If I happen to have a clean and tidy house at the end of it, that's a bit of a bonus.

If you want to join me on a blogging adventure, pop over to I Saw You Dancing who is hosting Blogtoberfest 2012. There is a linky list to join, with a tonne of wonderful bloggers that you may be able to connect with and be inspired by.

Good luck to me (no one else will wish me good luck, so I may as well - LOL), and good luck to you if you decide to join me.

Do what you love. Bring joy to your life.

K xx

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

To lie, or not to lie?

It's inevitable really. As parents it happens to us all, and you're kidding yourself if you think that it's never going to happen to you. One day you are your darling child something, and they look you in the eye and LIE TO YOU. A big FAT lie. 

I will never forget the day that Ardyn lied to me. I found something (can't remember exactly what) hidden in a corner of her room that I had asked her to be careful with, or she would break it. It was broken. I put it behind my back,went downstairs and asked her where it was? She looked me in the eye, and told me to my face "It's in the box where it belongs. I put it away." "Really?" I asked. "Yeah," she nodded enthusiastically. Then I brought it out from behind my back.

I was stunned!!! How could my beautiful, darling, sweet, innocent little girl do such a thing???? And so convincingly? I was devastated! Had I not known it was a lie, I would have absolutely believed her. Then the questions started running through my head. "Has this happened before?" "How often is she actually lying to me?"

Kids obviously learn to lie to protect themselves from punishment. They know that if they are caught doing something wrong they will get in trouble. Mine now know that if they get caught lying, there's even MORE trouble to be had. They know it's always best to just tell the truth. Or so I thought.

Today, I experienced a new kind of lie. A lie made in the hope that there would be a reward at the end of it. The reward of choice in our house is stamps on a chart. The standard type of the reward chart that can be found in many a household, in that 'x' number of stamps will earn you "y" reward. Ardyn's "y" at the moment is a Monster High Doll that she has been longing after. Earning it should be simple. Do your chores, do as you are asked, do a little bit extra - earn stamps, get doll.

I have been asking Ardyn for YEARS to do something as simple as eat the crusts on her sandwich. Day after day her crusts would come home in her lunch box - and Bailey has taken to copying her. I have been telling them how I would like them to eat their entire lunch, including the crusts. (It's really not a big deal to not eat their crusts, but it's the half a slice of bread that they leave behind with the crusts that I object to discarding.)

A week or so ago Bailey's lunch box came home empty. And the next day, and the next. She had been eating her crusts, so I gave her a couple of extra stamps.

Today, Ardyn's lunch box was empty. When I asked her where her crusts were, she proudly told me that she had eaten them! I must admit I was a little dubious, but told her how proud I was of her and started considering giving her a stamp. Then for some reason I can't explain, the words popped out of my mouth. "No, you didn't, you put them in the bin." Her first response was "How did you know?" then realising her mistake said "No, I ate them."
"Diiiid you?"
"Okay. I didn't. But how did you know?"

Kids can be so oblivious to their own words at times.

"Why did you feel the need to lie honey?"
"I dunno."
"You know we don't like lies Ardyn. Why did you lie?"
"I thought I'd get a stamp."
"No stamp for you honey, and count yourself lucky you don't actually get punished for lying to me."

I had to giggle, it's really just a crust, but I also have to be very wary. We've entered a new level of lying. Rather than lying to avoid something, she's lying to gain something. And she's good at it. Cal can't tell when she's lying, and I'm sure in years to come she'll be able to fool me too.
The next level is lying and actually believing her own lies. That's the one I'm scared of. I was good at it. If you believe your lie, then it becomes the truth and it's not as hard to continue with it.
To this day mum still tells me she doesn't want to know what was the truth and what was a lie in my teenage life. Knowing the truth scares her a little.

How the hell do I stop that one happening? How the hell can I try and convince her that it's not worth going there? I know that I'm blowing a small lie for a small reward up into something far greater, but I am wary. Wary for the future. Wary for her safety. Wary for my sanity.

With any luck that's years away. I think I'm just lying to myself, but not sure if I can believe it this time.

In the meantime, how do I just get her to eat those damn crusts?????

Saturday, September 1, 2012

1 kilo every 24 days

Back on June 19 I tore my calf muscle. Badly. No surgery required, but it's been a bit of a slog trying to get it better. For so long I was bruised and not able to move faster than a walk. I was bruised from knee to ankle for about three weeks, and in a fair amount of pain. I never realised just how often we moved our calves until this.

I was warned not to take it too quickly. That there would be a point at about 6 weeks post injury where I would feel able to move quicker, but I physically wasn't able. Take it slowly. Consciously make your body move this way.

Then it started getting better, and although I felt good about it, my mind still wouldn't let me move any faster than a walk. I was consciously moving a lot slower than I think I was physically able to. I was now facing a mental hurdle. The memory of the 'pop' when it tore, and the subsequent physical limitations that were placed on me....I didn't want to go back there.

I was told that after about 8 weeks I should be able to train normally, and by 10 weeks (with the proper conditioning) would be able to run again.

I'm not going to lie, it's been hard. The thing that has surprised me though is how hard I have found it mentally. I had to retrain my brain to not even break into a jog to get to my child when she needed me, let alone run after her if she was in danger. And then my brain slipped into what I can only term a depression. For the last few weeks I have had 'that' cloud hanging over me and have felt like I am in a hole that's getting deeper and I just can't get out.

I knew deep down that there was one thing missing that would help alleviate some of this ...... endorphins. I needed to exercise, to sweat, to get by brain out of this funk and back into 'real' life. I need to flip the switch back to where it was.

I trained on Thursday, and shit it felt good. I have a really bad habit of doing too much too quickly, so I had to really make sure that it was a relatively easy session. And I also made sure it was one that didn't put too much strain on my calf. I did good, and yesterday felt just the right amount of hurt. I felt like it was a start.

But my start (it seems) was a false one. I knew I should have trained yesterday (lightly) or at least today, but the funk won over and I didn't. Damn funk!!!! I've been thinking today about how to get myself back to where I should be, and then.........

I think that the switch just flipped. Literally about 10 minutes ago.

I was in the shower, berating myself for not training today, and when I got out I weighed myself. Now I have tried to steer clear of the scales for the last couple of months because not only was I not moving much, but I'd also been indulging in pity food and drink a tad too much. Eating and drinking away the funk really hasn't worked.

3kgs. 72 days. 1 kilo every 24 days. I don't think that's at all bad, and then I put on my jeans and looked at myself. I mean, REALLY looked at myself.
I have avoiding that a bit too.
I have grown a little muffin top. My bra is a little tighter than it really should be. My jeans, even though they are meant to be tight, are probably a little tighter than what they should be. My skin is dry, and I have dark rings around my eyes.

FLIP! I really need to look after myself.
Put down the cheese and champagne.
I'll be in the gym tomorrow morning.