An experiment

While trying to understand how anxieties work, and how to deal with them (so that I in turn can help Ardyn) I'm performing a small experiment on myself.

I have this thing about my house being clean. Not sterile, but at least clean. Clutter I can handle, but not dirt. And as we have moved over the years, the houses get bigger, the number of bodies in them has increased, and it gets harder to stay on top of it with all the other day-to-day things that come with being a mum.

This may come as a real surprise to family and friends who knew me when I was younger, as to be honest, I was terrible at keeping things clean. It was not a priority. Days worth of dishes were in the sink, clothes were scattered everywhere, and washing piled up for days. But I think it had a bit to do with the fact that the houses I was living in weren't mine, I was working, and also not having kids. I have definitely kept things cleaner since we became home owners and parents.

Since we have moved to this house I have found that I am having real trouble staying on top of everything. It's a BIG house, and I find the bigger your house (plus kids), the more "stuff" you tend to accumulate, and the more dirt gets dragged into the house. And a problem that Cal and I have as a couple is that he can't see the dirt but hates the clutter, and I can handle the clutter but not the dirt. The dirt drives me mental!

So to try to keep him happy and me sane I hired a cleaner to come in once a fortnight to clean the bathrooms, mop the floors and dust the place. Then I could concentrate on clutter management and smaller cleaning tasks.

It was all going well - from my perspective. My sanity has been good, and I was getting on top of the clutter. But Cal's nose was getting more and more disjointed that money was being spent on something that he couldn't see the benefit of. He just doesn't care if there is yellow-coloured soap scum making his bathroom sink look oh-so inviting.

So my sanity service was cancelled. *sniff* I agreed to give it a go myself, make a real effort and see how I go.

Today is the day that I can feel my stress and anxiety levels starting to elevate.

The girls and I have barely been home for the last week - but Cal was. As a family we were away the week prior. The 2 weeks prior to that were a mess of dance concerts and a torn calf and me trying to get around on crutches. So needless to say, my house is a disgusting mess. And somehow Cal can't see that?!?!?!?

So while he's out for a run, and the girls are playing quietly, I'm sitting here with the mess all around me writing this post. I'm attempting exposure therapy on myself. Letting myself know that it's okay. That the world is not going to end if I don't vacuum those dust bunnies off the floor. The house won't collapse around me because Cal's bathroom sink is a glorious shade of ochre. Maybe I can try and see the dust layer on the shelves as.........who the hell am I kidding?

Get the Dyson out!! I'm on a mission!!!!!!!!!