Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I'm not sure I like this....................

.........but I have to get used to it.

When I was young, I was determined to not be a stay at home mum like my mum. I was going to do it as a professional woman, have kids and keep an immaculate house. I was going to have it all together and love doing it.

Fast forward 15 years, and I give birth to who (I believe) is the most beautiful baby girl in the world. I began to understand the value of a stay at home mum, and was determined to devote my life to making sure that my kids are happy, confident and respectful members of society. The last 5 years have been spent helping Ardyn grow. Making decisions that may not have always been 100% right, but learning from my mistakes, and learning from the mistakes of my friends and family. Making sure that when the day came that she would attend school for the first time that she would be confident, friendly and most of all respectful and happy.

I worked damn hard over the last 5 years, and I think that I did what I set out to achieve. That girl amazes me every day. She is a delight to have as a daughter.

The plan was to be here to help her get ready in the morning, and be here when she gets home at night. To spend the time in between making my house a home that the kids and Cal love coming home to.
It's killing me knowing that I won't be there every day to do that. Not the way things are right now.

I have to suck it up. I have to take the 'provider' role for a while. I can't let them know that it's killing me inside.
Cal is doing a great job, don't get me wrong, and I should be happy that my kids have a parent to come home to and don't spend every day in daycare so that we can both work. I should feel happy for Cal that he gtes to spend this magical time at home with them, that I was so blessed to for so long.

But I can't help but feel a little robbed.

Things change. Life changes and we have to adapt. I have to adapt.
I now have to teach my kids that it's okay to have a role reversal, that adaptation is good, and even if I'm not here, I love them very much. People do it every day (I just never thought that it would be me).

I'm fine. I'll get there. Just needed to vent.
K xx


Sonia said...

Kirst, with tears in my eyes, i totally understand you....and well it was a lot later in my life that i did what you have done, and believe me, the kids learn and adapt....and I hope that it has made mine richer and better for it...but it is tough on us the mum....
thinking of you ...and nowing your feelings too...

big hugs.

Kirst said...

Thanks Sonia. It seems that mums understand - dads certinaly don't. It's nice to know i"m not alone though. xx