Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Feeling like a teenager

And not in the good way. It's not like I have heaps of energy and feel invincible like a teenager is meant to feel.

As a teenager I was pretty anxiety-ridden. I felt like I didn't fit in, and was never going to. My dad was strict, and we didn't have much money, so I never had friends over because dad made it feel like they were an intrusion, and I just felt that we were never 'up to standard' (so to speak). I can honestly say that I have friends that I have had since high school who have never been to my parent's house.

I was so worried about what everyone else thought of me. That people were talking about me. That I'd have no friends. My biggest fear that was no one would like me.

Then when I was 16 I discovered something that I enjoyed and I was good at. It wasn't something that 'everyone' did, and no one at school really understood it or why I did it. But I discovered a new circle of friends in which most people had tried to do it. And I didn't care about what people said, I didn't care if people liked me, because people were respecting me for my abilities. It helped with my confidence, and my anxieties seemed to disappear.

I was a basketball referee, and I was a good one. I enjoyed reffing, and I loved the people I reffed with. Through basketball I discovered the closest, most tight-knit group of friends that anyone could ever have. I am so happy to say that 20 years later I am still friends with some of these people, and I still love them like I did back then.

Basketball became my life. So much so that I met my now husband through basketball (he played, I reffed) and pre-kids I worked full-time for the State Basketball Association as their Referee's Manager.

I haven't reffed for some time now. When we moved to interstate I hit the courts at the local association and LOVED it. It was still where I felt most at home. But the association went through some changes that didn't fit in with what I wanted to get out of it, and I also discovered that I wasn't willing to put as much time into it as I used to. My family came first.

My girls (and my boy) are my life now.

Then Ardyn started school last year, and I was transported back to my teenage years without basketball refereeing. Anxieties exploded through my body like they did 25+ years ago. Not for Ardyn (she's fine), for me.

How do I fit in with all these people? Will I be able to make new friends? Do they like me? Are they talking about me behind my back? Have I done something wrong??

Damn it! I feel like the kids in the playground coming home saying "Why won't the kids play with me?", and it's a feeling that I hate!!!

I am an intelligent, friendly 38 year old mother of two, who for the most part is relatively confident, but as soon as I step into that playground my confidence just plummets to my shoes and I feel alone. 18 months after Ardyn has started, she's running around as happy as Larry and I still feel as if I am struggling to find where I fit in.

And that sounds so terrible, because I have actually made some really good friends. I have met some amazing people, but I still question if they like I fit in?...........have I said something wrong?..............I'm 15 again!!! SHIT!

I do know I'm not the only one. I have bought this up with a couple of friends, and have heard/read other mummy bloggers mention it too, but it still doesn't help with the day-to-day anxieties.

I need to fin something that I am good at again. Something for ME. Something that will boost my confidence.
I'm trying. I'll get there. It will take time, but I'll get there.

In the meantime, here's a picture of me and my gorgeous girls on Mother's Day. We had a lazy day which included baking and decorating cupcakes, and had a wonderful time doing so.

I WILL get around to updating other stuff. I can hear you all saying "yeah right"..........I'll get there.
K xx


A Farmer's Wife said...

I always try to remember that fitting in is for school girls. And you're not one anymore.

I hope you find something that makes you feel more confident and more like yourself. I think we all struggle a little bit as our kids get that much older and gain a little bit of independence....

Take good care Kirst.

WendyB said...

I can understand your post completely and recognise a lot of what you say. I'm 10 years older but can still occasionally feel those same twinges. I've just decided that's who I am and accept that I'll sometimes feel like that. I'm sure you'll be fine and its just a blip :-) That's a lovely photo of the three of you.

Mel said...

How I relate to your post...I am the same way and have those feelings most days recently...I am already working myself up for meeting the kinder mums next year...and I have a lovely group of really close GF's.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

Cute photos can't believe how much your girls have grown up :)

Shell said...

I do know how you feel, it takes time to find people who accept you for who you are.

In saying that you are a warm, kind, caring and gorgeous person and I'm glad that we've met and are friends :)

Take care and see you soon

Paula said...

Um hello, look at that are already good at something, you are the most brilliant & caring mother ;) I do get what you mean, & have certainly have felt it myself. I think anyone who can call you their friend is very lucky! :)

My Mummy Daze said...

Great post! I hope you find your feet soon enough in the school yard second time around. In situations like this, I generally follow the simple principle, 'fake it til you make it'...

A great insight by the way, into maybe why some kids never invited me over to their house. My folks love entertaining and we grew up quite affluent, so I was a little sheltered from such concerns.

I hope my kids can feel comfortable to have their friends over to visit when the time comes.